Reclaiming My Happiness: My Season Of Surrender And Detachment
Confession: I have been miserable for the past few months
A little backstory here...
I have always prided myself on being ambitious, marching to the beat of my own drum and creating my personal version of success. This year more than ever, I was determined to really stretch myself and totally transform the lives of myself and my family. I spent a lot of time praying, asking God what I should do and how to do it. The answer was clear was day. Always the risk taker and one to make moves based on inspired thought, I dove head first with tunnel vision.
I've always been a killer manifestor! Sometimes Ken would be like, "I don't know how you do it, but everything you say is gonna happen just happens."
Naturally I assumed, that these big goals I'd set for this year would unfold the same way. I've never shied away from hard work and miracles happened everyday - I had this in the bag!
I had a strong start. I was obsessed! My goals were all I thought about. I wanted on New Years Eve of this year to look back and reflect on how much our lives had changed for the better. We would be able to breathe easier. My husband, my son, my parents and siblings would be so proud of me. I would be so happy.
Along the way however, there has been challenge after challenge, obstacles and big life moments that have forced me to re-strategize.
Things just didn't seem to be happening the way I planned and as I got closer and closer to the days I'd outlined to hit certain benchmarks, I would grow more and more frustrated. I know they say that "We make plans and God laughs", but shit! I thought he and I had talked about this. He told me to do this, so why was it so hard?
Nothing seemed to work. Everything I tried felt like it was blowing up in my face. I was trying so hard...and nothing.
I'd beat myself up and question myself much to the dismay of my husband who would sternly remind me that I was in the midst of a high risk pregnancy and needed to calm down. He was right. You don't have to suffer and torture yourself to get the things you want...but the other side of my brain would be like, "...but those goals though!". I was mentally exhausted and everyone around me could see it.
I had to fix this.
I jumped back into heavy mindset work, something I'd been neglecting because I was so focused on getting there...where ever "there" is. Through stepping back, praying and refocusing on my mindset, I realized that there were two things I needed to do:
Detach From Outcomes
I'd been so focused on what I was going to do, how I was going to do it and when I would do it by that I didn't leave room for life to happen. There was so space for anything but my vision...and that's just not how it works in this Universe.
In this season of my life - especially with a new little one on the way - I am learning to let go and surrender. Not surrender in terms of giving up (I don't know how to do that), but being a in flow that makes this process feel better and allowing things to unfold the way they're supposed to. Maybe God has an even bigger plan now than what we talked about earlier in the year, or maybe his plan has changed for me all together.
I've also had to learn how to differentiate the two voices in my head, my intuition and my ego. Sometimes our ego won't allow us to let things go. We want to be right so badly, we don't want to be perceived as failures, so we push and push and push until we are exhausted. Essentially, our ego often leads us to punishing ourselves.
Finally - and this is a big one for me - I've been studying a lot on how to detach myself from outcomes. For me specifically, my challenge was learning how to detach myself from achieving these goals I'd created within a certain time frame. It's not that I may not accomplish what I've set out to do, but perhaps this is just not the moment for it to happen. My obsession with the outcome I created in my mind was driving me crazy! It was doing more damage than anything and not serving me at all.
I like to be control! However, when you don't detach, you can't actually manifest anything. Why? Because think about how you feel when you're so attached to an outcome. Your energy doesn't flow, you start to question yourself which creates lack of clarity, you can't create anything. You start to compare yourself to others. You basically create a flow of negative energy.
Once I realized that I was blocking myself from my own blessings, I surrendered and asked God to just guide me. Obviously, trying to drive the car myself was getting me nowhere - I am the co-creator. We have to work together.
In total transparency, this is where I am. Working everyday on myself so that I can continue to be a blessing to others. I've been talking to lots of women this year and seeing their results after our conversations has been amazing! I know what my gift is and I know that God is using me in a way that allows me to truly serve others. When I stay centered in knowing that for sure, I don't feel stressed.
I share this in case you are stepping into your purpose as well, but feel giving up because it seems you're not getting anywhere. I share this in case you've been beating yourself up because things don't seem to be moving fast enough for you when it seems like everybody else is zooming past you. I share this in case you're questioning your talents and thinking of walking away from it to do something "safe" because it hasn't paid off yet.
Knowing your purpose doesn't eliminate challenges, but it you want it bad enough, you will never stop. Just step back for a moment, speak to God and be still enough in your spirit so that you can hear his answers on what to do.
Be open, always...
Most importantly, do what you must to be happy now. The thing you're chasing will never bring you the joy you think you're going to have when you acquire it.