Do You Feel Guilty When You Have Another Child?
NASSIMBENI PHOTOGRAPHY FOR BELLEJHEANELL.COM
I got pregnant with Grey less than a year after Jolie passed away. During the time where I was processing the 5 pregnancy tests that read "positive", I was also in the midst of my grief and trying to figure my life out. Of course I was excited, but truthfully, I was also dealing with a lot a fear and guilt that I was replacing my daughter with a new baby. It felt like my life was moving on without her and I didn't like that feeling at all.
Part of me felt like I hadn't suffered enough and now here I was bringing a new life into the world. It didn't feel right to be happy. I was filled with so much fear of loosing Grey during pregnancy (man did I have a lot of scares) and guilt, that I spent about 4 days a week in church. It was the only place I could go to distract myself and have some peace.
Once he was born, I quickly realized that while my heart was bursting with happiness, he wasn't Jolie...and that was ok. I had one child in Spirit and one who was living. As I've mentioned previously, though they don't exist in the same realm, they have their own relationship. Grey knows he has a sister, we talk about her just about everyday and sometimes he blurts out things that let's us know that she's around.
Now that I'm just weeks away from having our second son, it's really starting to hit me that it's not going to just Grey and I anymore. For almost 4 years now, we've been attached to the hip and it's becoming real that my time and attention will be split with someone else. I know every parent says that you will love your children equally (like I do Jolie and Grey) but this will be my first time emotionally balancing two living children. This is new for me.
For the past few years, Grey has accompanied me practically everywhere. We do everything together. In some strange way, Grey is like one of my best friends. We're always together, unless he's at school. On days when I beat myself up for not being enough, his eyes always tells me that I'm perfect. If I cry, he hugs me, wipes my tears and tells me, "Don't cry mama!". His personality is getting bigger and bigger by the day. He makes me laugh so much, especially with his terrible knock knock jokes and hide & go seek is not his strong suit. Although he got me really good one time and I legit thought I lost him in the house, lol.
Don't get me wrong, we are all waiting on pins and needles for this baby and it's gonna be great, but it will get some getting used to no longer being a duo. Or I could be wrong and we'll transition seamlessly and we won't even remember that we were once a family of three, just like I feel like Grey has been hanging out with us forever. I don't remember what it was like not having him around, lol.
Do you ever feel that way about your child(ren)? What were we doing before? What were we doing in our free time?
Perhaps guilt is not the word that I'm feeling this time around. Maybe shit is just getting real as we enter the home stretch. Their room is just about ready, I folded countless onesis this past weekend during the hurricane and have been over here researching cloth diapering like my life depends on it. This is really happening!