Jolie And Grey

baby_loss_now
baby_loss_now

After Jolie passed away, there was only a brief moment where I considered not trying to have another child. Despite the heavy grieving and depression, I felt confident that someday I'd have at least one other baby. Even before Grey was conceived, my husband and I talked about letting our future child(ren) know that they have a big sister in Heaven. We never knew how we'd do it, but with Jolie such a huge part of our everyday lives, it seems to have come naturally.

At 2 years old, Grey seems to become more and more aware of Jolie as the years progress. He always asks to hold her urn - he likes to kiss and hug it. He tells Jolie "goodnight" every night. He always turns towards her urn and shows her stuff, like his new toys or if he learns something new at karate. The tear jerker is when he tells her that he loves her while he's fast asleep. It's so amazing to me that while his sister isn't physically here, they seem to have a strong connection that I can not explain, but is so beautiful to watch.

The more he grows and develops, the more I wonder what Jolie would've been like at this stage. I often close my eyes and imagine what it would like to have both her and Grey right now. I know that even if the Lord blesses me with another little girl, she may not be Jolie however, I don't feel that my family is complete as yet. I'm not sure when we'll have another little one, but being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Although, we don't look like everyone else, I still consider us to be a family of four though that can be hard for people who have never been in our shoes to understand.

In the first few months without our daughter, we often asked God, "Why us? What did we do to deserve this?". And trust me, I used to spend days at a time in bed trying to figure it out. However, I've learned that part of the reason I've been put on this path is to help others, be a source of encouragement and an example of what can happen when you choose to continue living despite personal tragedy. I can never pinpoint exactly why we were chosen but I won't let that consume me. The stronger I become, the more the light shines on my purpose which sometimes makes me really uncomfortable. As the year comes to a close, I've been thinking a lot about purpose vs. passion as I've come to realize that they are two totally different things. It's scary when you have plans for yourself but God has something else in the works for you. That's the thing about growth, it's punches you in the gut and forces you in a completely different direction.

As I pray and reflect, I thank God for my children as they have continued to bring me closer and closer to my most authentic self. Let's see where this goes...