Jolie's 4th Birthday
I remember everything about being pregnant with Jolie, and I'm so happy that I documented the majority of the experience on my blog. I love that I can go back and read about that short time of my life. However, there are certainly days when reading through it makes me extremely sad. Like anyone pregnant for the first time, I was excited and scared at the same time. Would I be a good mommy? Could I provide her with the things she needed? Every week as I grew bigger and bigger, I anticipated what life would be like once she was in my arms and home with us. Unfortunately, when I got to hold her it was much sooner than we planned and when we finally got to take her home, it was in an urn.
I remember the good things. The nights my husband and I would stay up in bed and plan for her future. The cartwheel he did in the middle of our living room when the pregnancy test was positive, Even trying to figure out how we were going to re-arrange our room to make space for a crib.
I remember the anxiety as well...and for some reason, having premonitions that this just wasn't going to happen.
I remember most of the really dark times...holding my deceased daughter, going to the funeral home to make cremation arrangements, public meltdowns and just feeling like I had no reason to keep living.
Celebrating Jolie's 4th birthday has been much harder than I thought it would be. It seems to be getting harder and harder to celebrate a child who isn't physically here. With Grey now as a toddler, and seeing all the things he's doing and how much he's growing, I can't help but wonder what my 4 year old daughter would be like. Would she be funny like her brother? What would she look like now? I'm never going to experience milestones with her that I'm going through with Grey and that makes me really sad because my soul knows that I never will. No matter what I do. I can share her story a million times, one day make Jolie Bloom the most successful company ever and help as many people as I can - but I'll never see her grow up. Ever.
It's funny that they call pregnancy, "expecting". You really are expecting to have a child at the end of those 40 weeks week and raise them to the best of your ability. You make plans. But when that suddenly comes to a halt and you realize that none of that is going to happen, it's confusing and heartbreaking.
4 years later, I'm still confused and heartbroken.
4 years later, if I close my eyes, I can still see the panic on everyone's faces as I spontaneously gave birth to Jolie in my sisters living room as she frantically called 911. I can still see the panic and tears in my husbands eyes as the three of us were whisked away in an ambulance. And I still remember how warm Jolie felt as I held her tiny body in my arms and examined her little face.
4 years later I am thankful for that pregnancy. I am thankful to have seen my daughter alive although it was just for a short time. I am thankful for a support system that won't give up on me. Although he will never take her place, I am thankful for Grey and the second opportunity I got to be a mom. I am thankful for a platform where I can share my story and help others. I am thankful that God helped me to channel my pain in a therapeutic and positive way.
4 years later, the wound still feels fresh but I have found a way to put a band aid on my heart every morning and go on about my day. While I always acknowledge my first born, I'm happy to be in a place where talking about her no longer triggers depression. Today, I am sad for sure but when I think about her now, I smile knowing that God blessed me with the opportunity to meet one of my guardian angels. I've come a long way and I will continue to do my best to keep my daughters name alive. I will always speak her name. As a family, we all always say good night to her after we say our prayers right before bed.
I imagine her giggling and dancing in Heaven knowing that it's her birthday.
I love my daughter. I will always celebrate her. She will always be apart of me.
Happy Birthday 4th Jolie.