Wave Of Light

(photos from our 2012 baby moon)

Last night I searched the house feverishly for a lighter. Of course I couldn't find one when I really needed it. In the couple weeks of moving here, I've never realized that we have no matches or a lighter.

"Tonight is Wave of Light. I have to light a candle for Jolie." I kept repeating to my husband.

"It's ok if you can't light the candle. You do a very good job of letting Jolie and the world know that you're always thinking about her." he finally said.

As always, my husband was right. I was then moved to tears a few minutes later when I realized I was tagged in a photo on instagram. My new baby loss friend Lindsey included Jolie's name on her remembrance list. It was so unexpected and sweet that my heart melted to pieces. My baby got her candle after all.

Being apart of this unofficial club (if you will) is so comforting yet heartbreaking at the same time. I shared my thoughts on this a few years ago and sadly my list of "baby loss mom friends" keeps growing. It feels amazing that I now have this whole crew of women to lean on, but I wish it wasn't our deceased children that bonded us together.

I can say that I'm very proud of the awareness that we are spreading. While pregnancy and infant loss is still very hush hush and taboo of a subject, more than ever women are opening up. I think blogs have a H U G E part to play in lifting the stigma.

Keeping Jolie's name alive is something that now comes naturally to me. She's a big part of my everyday life and now that I have created a business as her legacy, I say her name more times per day than I can count. At the height of my PTSD my brain would try to trick me into thinking that I made the whole thing up - but she existed and still does.

I still cringe when people ask me how many children I have. My old therapist gave me some pointers a few years ago, but I think it's something I'll always struggle with. I don't always feel like explaining that birthed 2 but my 1st died after three hours, and saying that Grey is my only makes me feel guilty. I can't win either way - both answers exhaust me.

Beneath the style posts and the events is a women trying to be the best mom she can, though she is still grieving years later. For what it's worth however, the past 3 years have been quite a growing experience for me and I'm such a better person because of it. I've never been so emphatic and sensitive to others as I am now. I'm very in tune with everyone's energy, which has made it much easier for me to choose who I want to spend time with. My relationship with God is solid and I know without a shadow of a doubt who my real friends are. I'm being awakened to many things during this current season of my life.

I suppose I'm walking through my own wave of light.