Bound By Baby Loss

The other day I saw something floating around on social media about a red or blue pill. I can't remember which thing belongs to which color, but one would give you a billion dollars and the other would bring back a family member from the dead. I know it's meant for entertainment purposes but as someone who is always in her head, I really sat there and started thinking about my daughter. How would be life be different if she never came in my life or what if she survived? What if she wasn't born too premature and came out perfectly healthy on her due date? What if I really could bring her back?

There have been many times where I've sat and wondered how different of a woman (and parent) I would be had I not experienced the death of my own child. Seeing your beautiful baby come into this world, only to be holding their deceased body just a few hours later to say your goodbyes is fucking tough! You can literally feel your heart shattering in your chest and your body will tire from the amount of time you spend crying. It's something that stays with you forever. Three years later, I can easily find myself struggling throughout the day if I don't stop my mind from wandering off.

One of the things that my husband and I hear a lot is how strong we are. It may seem that way on the outside, and while we have definitely come a long way, it's a constant battle. No, the pain does not go away if you have other children or go on to have others after your loss. A lot of marriages don't survive baby loss whether it's miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or death of a premature baby as we experienced. Sometimes couples blame on another, someone may emotionally shut down, the list goes on and on. For us, we became closer - who else would understand besides one another? He and God alone know the true depths of that experience and my pain.

As we looked at this simple meme, I told my husband, " I'd bring Jolie back, I don't need a billion dollars to be happy". Of course, most of us don't live a life where money is no object, but I've seen first hand from people in my life that it doesn't guarantee happiness. I know that's a hard concept for most of us to believe on the 1st of every month, lol - but it's true.

As we approach 10 years of being together, we have faced many challenges and obstacles in our relationship. I believe that every couple has their defining moment.This make or break moment is different for everyone. Experiencing this birth and loss is what I believed has bound us together and showed us that we need each other. I credit my husband for playing a huge part in my recovery. If he was not the type of man and partner that he is, there's no way I would have been able to make it through. He listened, he consoled me, he never blamed me or told me what I could have done different. He still does all of those things when I have my bad days.

Have you ever seen "The Butterfly Effect"? Every time Ashton Kutcher's character went back in time to fix something, it would then set off a chain reaction to change something else that he hadn't thought about. In my mind, I can't think of a negative thing coming from Jolie surviving, but who knows. I've heard of babies born her age who have mental disabilities, some that are perfectly healthy and others like her who also passed away from extreme prematurity as well. I think I know what her purpose was in coming and going so quickly, but really I'll never know for sure. It doesn't mean that I don't take the time to go inward and obsess over it though.

Perhaps I just want something to erase the pain.

Unfortunately there's no pill that does that.

Which Would You Choose?

A Billion Dollars or Bring Back A Family Member?

How Do You Think Life Will Change With Either Choice?