Time Won't Give Me Time

When I think back to the first months after Jolie's death, it seemed as though time was at a stand still. If it did move, it was slow and beyond painful. I would pray for time to move faster and that my heart would heal as the time passed. I prayed that I'd one day be happy again and that I'd find peace - maybe even help a few people once I got myself back on track. All of a sudden it's a little over two years and I'm trying to figure out when I started laughing again, when and why I left New York or had another baby. All of a sudden I'm here and I'm not sure where time went.
While catching up on Oh Dear Drea today, she reflected on where she was a year ago which resulted me doing the same. At this time last year I was 20 weeks pregnant. I made it to the half way mark but I was still scared shitless and not sure if I'd be able to carry Grey to term. I never started to believe it was possible until I passed the point in my pregnancy where my daughter showed up, the 23rd week. It wasn't until I made it to the 24th week that I started to build some real confidence and really imagine that I'd be taking a baby home. Only a year prior, I was trying to find some sort of solace as I'd just said good-bye to the baby girl I delivered. I seemed to be recovering nicely, only a slip into a really bad depression shortly after. And the year before that? Well, I was living in bliss as a newlywed with my husband oblivious to the tragedy that would strike us less than a year later. Exactly a year before that? I was adjusting to life as a post grad, starting what I believed would be a long career in fashion and planning my wedding.
See what I mean? Time keeps going whether you realize it or not and it goes fast. No matter what we're going through, time is still passing which is why I had to check myself recently. I've become one of those people who romanticizes the past, is unhappy with the present and can't wait for the future to come so that a bunch of magical things I imagine in my head will happen. It's hard for me to live in the present. Something is always wrong. I'm working on it.
I've certainly become much better at living in the present since becoming a mother, as I realize that Grey will only be a baby once. He won't be 7 months old forever and will only get bigger from here. As much as I look forward to the toddler or big kid version of him, one day I will miss him being a baby. Sometimes I tear up looking into his eyes, because there was a time that I never thought he'd be here - now he's almost a year old. Where did time go? Instead of always trying to answer that question, I've decided that I'm just going to live in moment and appreciate the months, days, weeks, hours and minutes. All the little moments.
So how did I spend today, after a not knowing a year ago if I'd actually have my son? I spent some of it in my SUV stifling in the smell of his poop. After I left the house not realizing that his wipes weren't in his bag, he decided to take a massive crap while we were out picking up my sister from the school bus stop. It got everywhere! Thankfully there was a random towel on the floor that I've been too lazy to take out the truck which saved the day. Once again, being a slacker saved my life. It was a mess, but this is what I prayed for...motherhood.
love,
Jin
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