Family Of Four

It's Sunday afternoon, the air conditioning still doesn't seem to be cool enough despite the repair guy coming last week and Grey is down for his afternoon nap. I should be cleaning, but a short break turned into me logging on to blogger and finishing up season one of

"Orange Is The New Black".

 During one of the baby's afternoon naps a few days ago, I ended up dozing off with him for about two hours. I had a dream that I was in church, I saw my Pastor on the pulpit - but instead of being there with one baby, I had two. Grey and a girl. They seemed to be really close in age but Grey was a bit bigger than her in size. I had her dressed in a floral dress and cute hat. She was beautiful!Although she was slightly smaller than Grey, I figured it was Jolie...she looked just like her brother. There we sat in church together. A family of four. There are often times when my husband and I ask each other what life would be like if Jolie were still alive. A lot times he'll often say that maybe Grey wouldn't be here as yet, to which I always reply, "who knows".

Motherhood has changed me as a person and it's certainly changed my marriage. It's brought growth, happiness and challenges. I definitely couldn't see myself intentionally adding another little one in the mix for at least another two or three years...maybe even four. While I don't plan on having another baby anytime soon, I have been having conversations with my girlfriends lately about how long they waited in between children and how it's working for them. Everyone seems to be happy with their spacing, whether their babies are back to back or a few years apart.

Sometimes I try to imagine if I were juggling the two babies that I had exactly a year and a half apart. I'm sure I'd make it work, but would I be happy? Things are a lot more smoother in the motherhood department these days, especially now that we have a schedule and I'm taking care of much better care of myself. It also helps that Grey has an easy going personality. I can take him anywhere with me without fear that he's going to be a ball of tears and fuss. I love that about him and it's the reason why everyone offers to babysit him - though I've yet to take anyone up on their offer. We hang out at home and play, sometimes we meet up with one of my friends for lunch - now we're having at home adventures with solids. With my husbands nutty work schedule, it's often just Grey and I...I just couldn't imagine having to simultaneously giving someone else as much attention as I have to give him. But if another child were here, I'm sure I'd have it figured out. Everyone else does right? When I think back to when my boy was a newborn and I went days without eating or sleeping, having another child anytime soon just doesn't sound appealing to me in my current situation. A lot of people told me that soon after I had this baby, that I'd quickly yearn for another...

not me

. Should certain factors change, I could be singing another tune in near future. After all, in life, you never really know what's in store for you.

For now I do my best to enjoy my family of four in the form that God has given it to me - my husband, myself, Baby Grey and the Angel that walks with us. My family is unique in that way, but it's my normal. I do wish

my little girl was still here