Two Years Later

It's been just over a week since Jolie's 2nd birthday has passed. As the day approached I tried to comprehend how much time has passed, how fresh the wound still is, all that's happened since then, and how far I've come in my recovery process. The hole in my heart is still there, and even now as I post this my eyes tear up as I think about the two year little girl that would be running around right now. Life can be cruel...but it can also be so grand and rewarding. I spent the early morning of her birthday in tears while my husband and son slept...I was all cried out by the afternoon. I have another child to take care who requires all my attention, laughs the deepest belly laughs and whose smile breaks my heart into a million pieces. I stayed busy for the day. My dad and little sister did a balloon release in New York to celebrate Jolie's birthday and while we had the same plans here in Florida, the weather didn't cooperate. I got so many calls asking if I was ok, to which my answer was yes. Deep down however, I will never be ok. The hole will remain. That days events will remain timed in my mind down the minute. I'll never be able to hold my first born again. I won't be ok. What I can be is thankful. Thankful for my time with her, the support system I have, the reminders of Jolie that I can touch and that I was able to become a mother again. Life is still moving. The sun still sets and rises no matter what happened to me...I don't have a choice but to keep going. Grey will be 6 months old tomorrow (I know, where did time go), I've decided to start freelancing again and have even been filling out job applications...and oh yea, a new blog which is launching soon. Being a mom has given me so much inspiration and energy to take my life back by the horns. It's been such a long time since I've thought about what I want to do, what kind of life I want, and who I am. I'm finally starting to figure it out again. I thank you for being there for me.
love,
Jin
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