Miracles & What Not

{photos of yesterdays solo park trip by iphone 4 edited with vsco cam}
Yesterday was one of my most emotional days in a long time. I went to both therapy and church. Emotions everywhere!
This past Sunday my mom told me after returning from church service that Pastor has been looking for me and wants to see the baby. We spoke by phone once after Grey was born, but I haven't taken him to service as yet based on my pediatrician telling me to avoid big indoor crowds until he's vaccinated. I decided to go to Wednesday afternoon prayer yesterday since it's only attended by a handful of people. Unfortunately for me, I found out once I arrived that my Pastor has been called on an emergency, but the show went on per usual. Our First Lady was there and she was just so excited to meet Grey. I hadn't been in the building since I was 39 weeks pregnant, so when I walked in with a real live baby, people were excited. When it was my time in line to receive my personal prayer and get anointed, Grey was greeted by a standing ovation as he was the result of one of my pastors prophesies. He's "The Miracle Baby". Naturally I ended up bursting into tears. I spent some much time in that building praying for Grey, and now I was standing there holding him in my arms. It was a great afternoon of Praise which concluded with my son taking a massive poop at the end accompanied by a loud fart. I then realized for the first time that there was no changing table in the bathroom to change him. Of course I'd never taken notice of that before today.
By the time I made it home, I had only enough time to change and put my face on to meet my new therapist/life coach. While pregnant with Grey, I kept having a re-occurring dream about Jolie where she kept telling me to look in her Memory Box. I'd never opened the box by myself before and going through the contents were far and few in between. After months of this dream I got the box by myself and went through her things. I'm numb to seeing her picture and urn everyday, but when I hold the little outfit that she was wearing and see her blood on it, it becomes too real. It didn't go well and my husband couldn't figure out for the life of him why I'd go in the box by myself, especially when I was home alone. But I had to do it. Being pregnant with Grey distracted me a little from my grief, I wasn't dealing with it. I stopped putting in the daily work. In my heart, I felt that my little girl was telling me that I needed to face my grief by opening her Memory Box. This is what prompted me to see a therapist again. Truthfully, I want to enjoy being a mother to Grey and his future younger siblings. I don't want to be stuck in 2011. I want to be present...and happy. My first session went well. I like her a lot. I can already tell that she's a much better therapist than the last. She asked me questions that I'd never really thought about which resulted me in foaming at the mouth while dishing all my business. There were so many emotions I hadn't dealt with in a long time and they just came out like word vomit (a la "Mean Girls"). I felt a lot lighter during my exit.
...so yesterday was a lot for me. When we got home I randomly heard myself announce to my husband that I was going across the street to the park by myself, and walked away without waiting for a response. I suppose I just needed to be alone to process all the emotion of the day without bringing any crazy energy into my house. When I see something out of place, I always try to fix it...I'm the same way with myself. I don't believe in carrying baggage around or forcing the people I love to carry it for me. I'm in the business of me! I will continue to work on myself so that I can be of service to others. I'm prepared to once again do the work on a daily basis and I have no shame in needing a little assistance from time to time.If you're interested, here are links to my initial experiences with therapy //