Re-Living Baby Loss
This evening as Grey took a lengthy nap on my chest, I found myself with my phone in hand reading my own blog. I ended up reading through all the posts dealing with my grief after loosing Jolie. My heart ached as I read each post until the final one (technically the first) when I announced that she had died and I needed your prayers. It was so sad. It felt as though I was reading someone else's story and my heart broke for this woman. But the woman was me. As water filled my eyes, I kept glimpsing at Grey while reading through the posts. At the time I was writing them, I never imagined how much life would turn around for me. I thought my life was over...it was ruined. Yet, here I am 1 year, 8 months and 6 days later with the most beautiful and healthy little boy who brings me so much joy everyday.
Despite this, there are still times where I try to figure why things happened the way it did and it's ultimate purpose in my life. But more than ever, I have to keep reminding myself that God owes me no explanation and through it all I'm still Blessed.
I'm proud of how far I've come. Today I can share my story out loud without crying and seem to have a knack for comforting women who have had similar experiences. However, I am still her mother and will always struggle internally about the life I will never have with her. Thankfully though, I'm able to deal with that struggle in a much better way than before.
I've decided some time ago to go back to therapy.
I have my first appointment coming up next week and I'm so excited about it. Reading an old post reminded me of how nervous I was about it when I first went back in New York...but now I'm excited, growth. I remember that woman telling me this time last year, "You'll be pregnant by this time next year", I thought she was crazy. Yet here I am sitting with a little one almost two months old.
God is real.