Never Give Up, It Will Get Better
With the apparent suicide of hip hop mogul Chris Lighty earlier this week, there has been a necessary conversation brewing about suicide and mental illness. In the Black community in particular, there is definitely a stigma associated with going to therapy or seeking professional help when life becomes a too heavy. I've openly shared with you my experience with seeking help and being diagnosed with PTSD after Jolie's passing - but it was a long and hard road. Unfortunately, we don't all go down the path of reaching out for assistance and unfortunately, suicide is becoming an option for too many people.
To be honest with you, the night Jolie died - I wanted to die. I would ask God not to wake me up in the mornings....but he would continue to give me the gift of life every dad, and I'd be so angry with him for that. There was a period of time where I couldn't comprehend how I was supposed to deal with what happened and then go back into the world as a functioning human being, I had nothing left. I had no purpose. Sometimes the negativity in my mind would be so loud, I considered what would happen if I took matters into my own hands and took my own life since God wouldn't do it. I was in a bad shape. Luckily, I was never left alone for those first few weeks. Someone was always around me - sitting with me, talking with me, making sure I was eating, making sure I would sleep, getting me out the house.
...after a few weeks, the negativity subsided enough for me to think a little clearer. I couldn't do that to my husband. He was already distraught about loosing his daughter, I couldn't go and leave him by himself. I certainly didn't want to cause my parents any more pain, as they were feeling helpless as it was since they couldn't do much to help me. What about my sisters? Especially the little one, I would traumatize her...I couldn't do it.
After a while, I'd get better...then I'd go back into the storm...then I'd feel better...then I'd feel worse than ever. It wasn't normal. After therapy and then being diagnosed, I started to understand why I was having such a hard time, and why I wasn't progressing. Once I learned what the problem was, I began working with my therapist and talking through what was really bothering me - a lot of it was guilt. I became having real conversations with God and myself out loud. I opened up even more to my support system. I became stronger in my Faith. Slowly, it became a little more bearable, I learned how to cope.
...had I given up, I wouldn't be where I am now, helping other baby loss moms and Blessed with another baby on the way.
My point to this is - even though in the midst of what you're going through, you feel that you'll be stuck there forever, you won't be. It WILL take time, but things will get better.When you hit rock bottom, there is no where else to go but up. Never forget that. Never give up because you will cut your Blessings short. You have no idea what's in store for you.
Pain has purpose...and your pain may have something to do with your ultimate purpose on this planet.
You can't grow without rain or dirt thrown on you. All these trials and tribulations build our character and make us better and stronger individuals.The pain of loosing my daughter will always be there, but I've learned how to cope. I still cry sometimes, but I don't go into deep depressions anymore because I think about her. My body used to shut down and I'd be useless for an entire day, but it doesn't happen anymore. I channel the pain into positive things.
Whatever you're going through, please know that you will get through it. However if you feel as though you can't or won't get through it, seek professional help.
If you feel as though suicide is your only option, please call one of these numbers:
Please take care of yourselves and stay positive.
Love you all,