Innocence Lost Indeed
This morning I came across an article on my twitter timeline which hit especially close to my heart, Pregnancy After Loss And The Loss of Innocence. Though the authors words are straight forward, I don't want to summarize and possibility twist any words of her struggle, so please click the link if you'd like to read.
The first few weeks of this second pregnancy were especially terrifying for me. I found out around the 4th week, and as many of you know, the doctor typically won't see you for another 3 to 4 weeks after that. I drove myself crazy. I'd cry to my husband, I'd pray, I'd have a voice telling me that I was going to loose the baby like I did with the first, I'd talk to myself...I was a basket case.
Thankfully, I've calmed down over the past few weeks. Between all the support I've received from love ones, distracting myself by reading books and a new found addiction to Netflix, I've mastered the art of distracting myself for the most part. While I've been able to significantly drown out the negative voices, sometimes they are still loud and clear.
Loosing a child a changes you. Having a pregnancy suddenly end is traumatic. Being pregnant after such an experience is hard. You know the worst that can go wrong because you've lived it.
I have no doubt in my mind that I'll be giving birth to a healthy child and that I will leave the hospital with a baby this time. However, at the same time...I'm cautious. For example, as I look for a baby shower venue, I'm asking how flexible they are with down payments and such just in case the baby shows up earlier than expected. There's always a little voice in my head telling me to be cautious as I try to plan for this baby. At this point, there's always a "what if", I can't silence those two words.
I'm Blessed that things are well...but things were fine with Jolie as well until I randomly went into labor one day. Truly, that is the hard part - never knowing why that happened, therefore not knowing exactly what to do to prevent it from happening again.
I recognize that things are different this time. I'm not employed which allows me to rest more, I'm not under the immense amount of stress I was under in my last pregnancy, God is an even bigger part of my life and there is the possibility of starting the 17-P injections as early as this Friday.
...to be honest, I struggled with the decision of talking about this pregnancy on the blog because I was initially so paranoid. But I know I'm not the only one going through this, and though I'm not the most brave woman in the world, I hope to encourage those who have lost babies to keep going. Some of us may have a harder time than others, but there's nothing to be ashamed about and our struggle doesn't make us any less of a woman.Every struggle is another piece of what makes us into greater people.