That Moment You Realize You Aren't Alone...But You Wish You Were
From the second I found out I was pregnant, in my mind, I was a mother. I started contemplating the changes I was going to be making, paid off as much debt as possible to free up some cash, thought about which neighborhood I was going to move to raise my child to make sure she went to the best school, etc. I had a boy and a girl name picked out, and once I found out I was having a girl, I always refered to her by name. I thought about The Holidays, buying her first Christmas dress - I even asked my pastor if he would Christen her early this year. So many plans were made that never came to be.
After Jolie died, there were often times that I felt alone and found myself pouring out my feelings on this blog. Then I'd feel I was revealing too much...in some ways, I was embarrassed and ashamed about the way I felt (as strange as that sounds). I felt so alone at times despite being surrounded by so many people who love me and took care of me. But I figured that if I was blogging about my feelings - maybe someone else was too. I started to find tons of blogs written by other moms who loss babies - some around the same time that I did. Ectopic pregnancies, miscarriages, pre-term labor, stillbirth....we all shared the pain of loosing our babies. I would sit and read these blogs all day and just cry knowing exactly how that person felt. After a while I realized I couldn't read them everyday because they would bring me right back to that moment when the doctor came in our room to tell us our daughter had "expired".
I still read them, but every few days instead of everyday - and maybe only three of those kinds of blogs per day. It takes too much out of me.
Although I'm thankful for the amount of online support, blogs to relate to, at times it just makes me so sad. I wish people didn't have to experience this. I wish there was something else that connected me to these women instead of the fact that what we have in common is loosing a child. I wish there were a way that I could eliminate child loss from happening to anyone else...but I can't.
Although we are having a difficult time ourselves, there are nights when my husband and I pray for the families I read about as well as those we will never know. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy.
Loosing a child at any age is difficult, but there is also something to be said for the life that never came to be. I will never be able to watch Jolie grow up, take her to school, have her keep me up a night, hear her first words, watch her take her first steps or any of that. And while I'm confident that I will go on to have more children, that hole in my heart will always be there for my first born.
It is my prayer that anyone going through a similar situation finds peace, clarity and a continued desire to keep their child(ren) spirit alive. Continue to refer to them by name and keep them close to your heart.
I know I shied away from continuing to talk about Jolie, but for whatever reason, God keeps pushing me to do it. So for the woman who may be going through the same thing who I may never know, new found blog friends I met through child loss blogs, or someone who may unfortunately experience something similar in the future (although I pray you won't), know that I'm here....and to all of you, look in the mirror and realize how special we all are to be here. Realize that there was a chance that we may not have made it out of our mothers wombs...but we were chosen, and put here to do something. No matter what you're going through today, what ever has you down, no matter your circumstances - you have a purpose and a plan. You were chosen.
Be great and be grateful.
Take Care, Jin