When A Black Girl Goes To Therapy (Part 3): "The Happy Pills"

{scenes from today}
Parmesan Crusted Chicken | Cajun Chicken & Shrimp Pasta
Virgin Strawberry Daiquiri | New Necklace I Bought Today
Today I went to what was supposed to be my last therapy session. The last time I went in (I think it was back in November), I was doing really well. Because I'd made so much progress, we decided that I didn't need to see her for the month of December, and that I would just check in this month. How things have changed.
The Holidays completely through me off. I thought my daughter would be here for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, so the fact that she wasn't around was hard to process. I just didn't understand. When you experience the loss of any loved one, the Holidays magnify it more. After all, that is the time, you're all together, so if that one person is missing...
Between my sleeping pattern changing (well...I haven't really been sleeping) and my dad pointing out to me yesterday that I look like I've lost weight - I've been going through it for the past couple weeks. I did step on the scale this morning to find that I did drop a few pounds...this is the first time I'm not excited about it...I haven't been dieting or exercising - just grieving.
"Do you want to take something?", my therapist asked me today.
Now, I don't know much about anti-depressants...I just know that it's not going to bring my daughter back. I mentioned that to her, she says that although it obviously won't change what happened, it will help me cope better and I won't go into that deep depression that happens to me sometimes. Truth be told, there I moments when I cry until my body is weak and I can't get out of bed - but it doesn't happen too frequently. I hate taking pain medication much less anti-depressants. Then I have a fear, I'll take the meds and it will linger in my system and cause something to happen whenever I do get pregnant again. Those law office commercials about pregnant women whose children were born with birth effects due to anti-depressants scare the heck out of me, you know? That's all I kept thinking about.
The alternative we discussed before once again considering that route, is seeing her more often. Now I will go every other week instead of once per month. So much for today being the last session...
I did share with her my new found anxiety of meeting new people and having them ask me if I have children. She told me that I should simply say, "no". I shared that I've thought about that but if I say no, that I'll be denying that Jolie ever existed. She told me that I won't be denying her - that although my mouth may say "no" my heart knows different. Should that person pry further, I can just simply say, "when the time is right". I know that may sound simple, but this has been a big internal issue for me.
I also showed her a picture of Jolie that I keep as my screen saver.
Last night my husband and I went out with his friends. Those two couples had their little ones with them while my hand was empty.
Another fear is Mothers Day...but I try not put that on my head right now.
It's been 6 months and sometimes I feel that I've made no progress...but I know it'll get better.
...
on a lighter note, i'm sure you've noticed the new layout.
it is courtesy of Danielle from one of my favorite blogs "breakfast at toast"
she's also launching a site next month called "The Everygirl"
be sure to check her out. and thanks again Danielle :)