The Damn Holidays.

originally written December 28, 2011
Prior to being discharged from the hospital after Jolie’s death, a bereavement nurse came to speak with my husband and I. We spoke about certain dates that would be hard – my due date, The Holidays, her birth day, etc. When I was pregnant, I remember being excited that she would be around for Thanksgiving this year and I couldn’t wait to get her, her first Christmas dress. Obviously none of these things happened. I did pretty good on my due date and began coming around nicely. Everyone from my therapist to my co-workers (from the job I’ve since been laid off from) told me that I seemed to be doing amazing. Even my husband commended me on how well I was doing in such a short time.
Then Thanksgiving rolled around.
I did ok. The husband and I spent the evening with just my dad as opposed to a big dinner at my sister’s house. We’d normally go over there but she said she wasn’t doing anything this year – which was kind of relief in a way. Last minute we were invited over as she’d over cooked, but we already had plans at home. Truthfully, we didn’t want to celebrate much.
Then came December.
I’ve come undone.
On some days I feel just as horrible as the very night that she died – I feel like it just happened. Meltdowns have become more frequent and very intense. Sometimes I cry so much I can’t even stand on my own two feet.
I was in Florida visiting my mom for a few days and lost my shit, myself in church. A little baby girl was brought to be baptized and I balled my eyes out…it was so bad, my mom brought me over to the pastor after church. That experience is a post in itself. More on that later. One night before I came home, I saw her in my dreams and I was depressed the entire day.
Christmas Eve was bad. I just couldn’t understand why she wasn’t here. Why didn’t I have a Christmas tree that was overflowing with gifts for her underneath. Why weren’t her big cousins going to be able to touch her hand and ask me lots of question about her. Why wasn’t this her first Christmas like I planned?
I’ve been doing pretty well this week though.
I took a pregnancy test today.
It read, NOT PREGNANT…just like it did last month.
We haven’t been officially trying. However, my period has been late this month as well as last month, so we’ve taken the test “just to see”. They’ve been a few other symtons, but maybe I’ve been overthinking it. I’m slightly disappointed, but I now understand God’s timing, and that he doesn’t give us anything that we’re not ready for.
Besides, I have lots of things I need to do at the hospital prior to getting pregnant. It’s a process. They’ve received my paperwork and are waiting for a few other things from the hospital where I had Jolie. The next pregnancy will not be a surprise, as it will be planned with the doctor and planned to the tee.
Who knows. Maybe this time next year, I’ll become a mother again.

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