Recluse.

Originally written January 5, 2011
Anytime I get together with my cousin we act a fool. Fool as in laughing at the top of our lungs in a restaurant with no shame, doing strange dances in the middle of the street and discussing our obsession with Morris Chesnut and Idbris Elba (they always end up in our conversations somehow). Despite laughing till we cried, our conversation turned serious as well – as we both lost babies in 2011.
Today I admitted to myself (and her) that I’ve become somewhat of a recluse. I was laid off from my job a few weeks ago and was actually looking forward to the time off. I’ve been somewhat busy, but I’ve realized that I’ve made sure to keep busy inside my house. I’ve also been traveling back and forth to South Florida, but even being away from home, I find myself in the house. I’ve noticed that I’ve been ignoring phone calls and hardly responding to text message. Even more disturbing, I now realize that I have a fear of meeting new people, and only communicate with a small group of people in my life. People who I couldn’t duck and dodge even if I tried. I’ve been realizing my behavior but never wanted to admit why I was doing the things that I have been doing.
As social as I’ve always been, new people now scare me. I get anxiety! My biggest fear is that they will ask the innocent question, “Do you have any children?”. That’s a fair questions, one that typically comes after one finds out you’re married – but how do I answer that question right now. I’d jus rather not put myself in the situation…so I stay away.
The fact that I don’t have a job anymore doesn’t help – it’s made it easier for me to hide. I know it’s not healthy. I’ve been applying for jobs hoping that I can get back into an everyday social enviornment and talk to other people besides myself.
Next week Tuesday I have a therapy session. When I spoke to my therapist on the phone to reschedule, she said “Next week will be your last week…unless you feel you need to continue”. The last time I saw her in November I was doing excellent, little does she know how far back down the hole I’ve gone. Grief!
In either case, next week will indeed be my last week with her. I spoke to my husband about finding someone else to speak to, especially since her office is kind of out the way for me. It was close to my former job, but now just inconvenient.
Hi, I’m Jin. I’m a recluse…kinda.