a celebration for Jolie.
Yesterday (Oct 24,11) was supposed to be my due date. I used to wonder how I feel on that date, never anticipating the unfortunate event that would have occurred. After Jolie's brief time on Earth, I still wondered how I would feel on this date. Granted, babies don't usually arrive on their exact due date, but the days leading up were emotional nonetheless.I kept trying to figure out what I was going to do when Oct 24th rolled around - I knew I didn't want to go to work (my therapist agreed) but I didn't want to sit at home crying all day either. Last minute my husband decided we should head down to Florida - perfect! My mom organized a little get together for our family to come over and have a little celebration for Jolie. Before the night was over, we wrote messages on pink balloons that I had gotten for and then released them into the sky. Everyone got to say that they wanted to Jolie since they weren't able to meet her. It was definitely an emotional moment - I was able to keep it together until I saw my little sister crying. Releasing those balloons were symbolic of what my pastor told me earlier that day, that as much as it hurts, eventually I have to let go. As much as I don't quite know how and as much as I feel guilty about "letting go", I know that I have to in order to be a good mom to my future children. She'll always be my first born, and her brothers and/or sisters will know her when they're able to understand but I can't carry around this sadness and anger forever. That being said, there's no template on grieving and I will continue to take it day by day. May my little girl rest in peace.
ps: thanks for the pictures Kimi