Yesterdays Follow Up Appointment
Yesterday made it 10 days since my daughter made a short but very impactful time on earth.
The appointment was set last week but I hadn't thought about it much. In the morning my sister took me to Ikea to pick up a few things for my place and on the car ride home knowing that it was almost time to go to the doctors, I broke down. I felt myself getting angry. Had I been home by myself I'm sure there would have been some broken glass and a complete mess created in my fury. Why didn't the doctors keep me when I kept telling them I was in pain? Why did they keep sending me home? They could have prevented this! I just started blaming everybody. I started blaming myself for not going somewhere else and getting a second opinion.
Once we got back to the house my sister called my dad on the phone to help calm me down...it worked a little. She took me out for pizza and then we made our way over to the office. The receptionist could not find my name on the appointment sheet, then she asks me, "Are you pregnant?"... my insides burned..."I was", I told her.
I sat down only to have a pregnant woman sit right in front of me a few minutes later. I couldn't help but to steal glimpses at her stomach and I felt myself getting jealous. Tears started to fill my eyes but I did my best to hold them back. Another couple of minutes later, a 2nd pregnant girl sat in front of me along with her childs father. They looked so excited and happy - the same way myself and my husband were everytime we'd been in the very same waiting room. This is was my first time every being in that office and not being pregnant. It became too much for me and I went outside and burst into tears on the side of the building. A man came outside, saw me crying and asked if I was ok - I couldn't even answer him. He said although I was a stranger, that I could talk to him and that he doesn't like to see a woman cry. I still couldn't talk, he asked me if I wanted him to get the girl that I came in with (my sister) and I shook my head, yes. When she came out I fell into her arms and just bawled my eyes out. Everybody in that damn waiting room was pregnant except me.
After calming down we went back inside (making sure to sit somewhere else) and I was called in about half an hour later while my sister was in the restroom. I was so nervous to go inside without her, my eyes were still full of water. I made my way to my room with the nurse and sat down, then she asked, "what is this appointment about?". I kept wishing my sister was there to explain because I couldn't...I started crying, the poor nurse had no idea what was going on and did her best to console me. Through my tears I managed to explain what happened - well, the gist of it. She felt so horrible for asking and gave me the biggest hug. My sister came in a little after and sat next to me. Instead of asking me to get on the bed, the nurse went to get to a portable machine to check my vital signs. She gave her condolenses once again, gave me another hug and told me to hang in there before letting me know that the doctor would be in soon.
Luckily it was a doctor that I really liked and one that had nothing to do with the days leading up to Jolie's birth. However, she did have all my information and results from all the tests that they took after her delivery - my placenta was fine, bloodwork was good - I had a healthy and normal pregnancy. She brought in another doctor to help give us some answers that we were desperately seeking.
Since this all happened, I've been obsessively researching what could have went wrong. Based on my findings it was either one of two things - the unexplainable preterm delivery or an incompetent cervix. Based on their findings and the events leading up to the birth - the elusive preterm delivery. We also discussed what to do going forward because I'm not going to give up on my dream of starting my family.
The doctors have given me all the answers that they can...the rest will come from God.